Silly me

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Because it just gets me into trouble all the time. I need to not tell someone I have feelings for them, and listen to them absolutely and completely shoot me down and leave me sitting here what is wrong with me. Really. *sigh* When do things start getting positive? I'm still waiting......

New House, New Job, New Life?

I found my own apartment. I moved up in my job, getting over forty hours a week, benefits and the joy of being able to work outside all summer! I found a guy, then I got rid of him cuz he cheated on me and had problems I didn't know about. I've gained some self respect since, and am learning to try and give up and move on.

That's my life in a nutshell since March. Sad? Yes. But, I am planning to go back to University in the fall, and am really trying my hardest to not get stuck in any more ruts. They jump up and grab you very unexpectedly. I've been in one for two years now.

I've been working on the restoration of myself - starting with my peace of mind. My way of doing that? Writing in my journal again, and starting up again with my online journal. It just helps you get out what you need to. I think I need to discover that I am a person with a soul and I need to have respect for myself. I'm learning how to get through the day and appreciate the small victories. Things aren't going great right now. And it sucks. But who else is going to fix it for myself other than me? I'm not ashamed to say I've made a lot of decisions that were bad. And I regret a lot of them. But I'm pretty sure I have learned A LOT from them. I think with some support and self determination I can do this. I can get out of this rut I'm stuck in. Right?

The email

Okay, here goes.

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not trying to be a bitch, I don't have hidden motives. I really am trying hard to make it work at work...I'm trying to do what you have asked of me so that we can be friends. I feel like you're trying to find something mean in everything I do....if that makes sense.

I don't know when you'll read this, but I am sincerely apologizing for how I acted in the past. I was hurt and let myself go too far. I would appreciate if you would accept my apology and that I am trying to just be your friend. I think you're an amazing person, and it hurts that you would deliberately try to hurt my feelings by turning away, refusing to talk to me and blocking me from talking to you. But then you ask why I don't talk to you as often, and I feel frustrated and hurt.

I know we're both angry, have hurt feelings and have some issues. But I think we need to get by it, talk about it and move on. I want go back to having fun, being able to talk and being friendly. I can't change what happened, but I can sincerely say I regret some of my decisions and actions.

The reason I was grumpy/a little off today? My gramma is in the hospital. She had a stroke today. I didn't really want to talk about it cuz I know I would have started crying. Sorry if you took it any other way.

So that's what's going on in my head. I would appreciate it so much if you would acknowledge that I am trying to fix my mistakes...even just a little.


Pathetic...or heartfelt? I haven't had any response as of yet....

Oprah makes me cry

Oprah's show yesterday. On 'sex addicts'. I don't know if anyone saw it, but when the single mother Amy sat in the audience crying and explaining her story, I just bawled. Why? I related to her. I related to her story.

She uses sex as a means to find someone. As a way to feel connected to someone for that small span of time it takes to finish the act. She's been doing it for over 10 years. I don't want to be like that. I tried to convince myself as I sat there, I'm not like that. I won't take it that far. I only do it once in awhile. I don't have people to call when I am feeling alone.

That's when I realized that I was just denying it all to myself.

I AM like that. I have people I could call. I use sex as a way to connect with someone because I am desperate to have the feeling of closeness with someone. And if I have to use my body to do that, I will. I sacrifice my own self and shut down my conscience to make myself happy.

Do I want to stop? Yes, but will I? I don't know. I can't stop myself from 'craving' a connection. It's such a rollercoaster, the high is oh so high, but when I get back to that low, I am DESPERATE to be at the top again. What do I do? I need to think.

That's the way it is

I've discovered my life works better if I try to explain it through the songs I hear. Corny? Yes. But it works for me.

'One fine day you wake up, completely, hopelessly fallen in love
He's just what you're looking for, the only problem is that the man's not sure
Another guy will give you everything, the only problem is you don't feel a thing'
- Jo Dee Messina

I completely fell for somone. And yet he can tell me to my face that he can't be with me. He just doesn't think he can do 'this' at the point he's at in his life. But I met someone who is willing to give me the world, but I just don't feel for him what I feel for the other. It seems like such a common dilemma, but I don't know how to deal with it.

Do I go for what my heart tells me and get rejected again...or do I try and be happy with someone else...hoping that he'll be able to make me feel the same way in time?

Have you ever been so cold....

The attack of the killer fever. I'll take you through the ordeal of fighting back against the common cold...

It all started on a dark and cold night, teaching swimming lessons in a pool. And the pool was cold. But the hot-tub was hot. Cold pool. Hot tub. Cold, hot, cold, hot, cold....

By the end of my 3 hour set, I was so cold the 'hot' tub didn't feel hot anymore. So I changed and drove home in the 'cold'

When I got home to shower, I used no 'cold' water in my shower. As 'hot' as it would go. It didn't feel 'hot to me. It was rather 'cold'.

I went to bed in my normal pajamas...and woke up at 1:30 a.m. so cold I thought I was going to turn to ice. SO...I put on two pairs of socks, two pairs of sweats, a sweater and my bathrobe over that, took tylenol and went to bed.

By 4 a.m. I was sweating so much I stripped down to nothing.

By 7 a.m. I was back up to my full 'suit'

at 10 a.m I went to work.

What a horrible, horrible day.

Back again?

After a long departure I've decided I HAVE to resume blogging. Mostly for my own sanity. I am one of those people who can't talk to those I know...so instead I've chosen the 'oh so wise' path of talking to a computer. I'm hoping if I get these dilemmas out of me I will be able to just get by them. Again, I said 'hoping'.

As usual, I am working like crazy and trying to have a life in between. And of course, I have my usual long list of guy dilemmas and stupid situations. *sigh*

Last night was the Brad Paisley concert, but I was not as impressed as I thought I would have been. It was so distant and removed compared to Dierks. Nom and I were busier checking out the sexy security guard than watching Paisley run back and forth on stage. I had a good time, but it wasn't the same as hanging out with Dierks and him actually remembering me during the show. I don't think anything else will really ever compare to that.

We went to the bar after, and of course Hockey Boy was there. Yes, he's still kicking and showing up to the bar every night I'm there it seems. Last night it seemed he wanted to get revenge for Thursday night.

WAIT - I have to start at Thursday night. There was a guy. We'll call him Rigs. I've met him before...but that night we really clicked. We talked for a good couple of hours, he took my phone number and promised to call me when he was off the rigs next time. And of course, he kissed me right when Hockey Boy was standing next to us. He didn't say anything, he just walked away, which is typical of him.

So last night Hockey Boy was there...and he made a point to come and sit at the same table as me and just STARE at me while he was talking to other people. Finally I just looked at him and asked if he wanted a better look, cuz I could stand up if he needed me to. Which of course, started a huge fight of us trying to insult the other as much as we could. At the end of the night, he once again asked if I had a pen so that he could get my phone number, and I refused. But later, I started to feel bad for refusing him....maybe that's why he's so bitter? I phoned his house and gave him both my numbers. And then finished off with 'the ball is in your court. I'm not putting any more effort into this'. And then I hung up.

Again, I always seem to be in a pickle.